'Twas the night before Christ-mas
By Bill Orvis White
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Congress
The crooks were stirring, forcing evil on the land.
Wiccan Pelosi and Brain-damaged Reid, hung by the podium,
Twisting arms and forcing votes.
Our children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While the witch and the retard were hatching their plan.
And Pelosi on her broomstick, and Reid in his dunce cap,
Hoping we wouldn’t notice what they did during our nap.
When out on the Capitol lawn there arose such a clatter,
Patriots sprang from the beds to see what was the matter.
Tea baggers and the faithful flocked to that lawn
To protest this evil from dusk until dawn.
The patriots on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave a new fight to say no, no, no!
When, what to the tea baggers’ wondering eyes should appear,
Dick Cheney on eight tinny reindeer.
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
We cheered LOUDLY at the sight of “St. Dick.”
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!
"Patriots! now, Tea Baggers! now, Country first, let’s take it back!
Oh, Condy! Oh Donald! Oh Georgy!
Through the front doors, they would attack!
As dry leaves that Pelosi’s broom,
When they were met with an obstacle of Democrats mounted to the room.
So up to the Capitol the patriots they flew,
With the sleigh full of free market incentives, and St Dick-o-less too.
And then, in a twinkling, the patriots heard on the dome
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As the tea baggers drew in their heads, and were turning around,
Down the Capitol’s chimney St Dick came with a bound.
He was dressed all in leisure suit, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with Halliburton soot.
A bundle of patriots he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.
His eyes-how they delighted! his shit-eating smirk, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His crooked mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the drool of his chin was as white as the snow.
The patriotic tobacco he held tight in his teeth,
And the stench it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a fat face and big ass belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I cried when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know Wiccan Pelosi’s career is dead.
He spoke many words, as he took to the stage,
Filled with documents, yes, page after page.
And laying his finger on each note,
I knew that we were all going to be in a conservative boat.
St Dick said, “Sorry I had to barge,”
But there’s a new sheriff here,
I’m in charge!
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"