Thursday, March 26, 2009

Birds 'n bees

I loved raising my boys Dale and Kyle, but I confess the worst time was when my wife Delores made me have "that talk" with them. One night many years ago when Dale was 13 and Kyle was 11, I set them down and said, "Boys, you know you have a sausage between yer legs."
"Can I eat it, Daddy?" Kyle queried. "Like that Jimmy Dean does?"
"Nah, not the same kinda sausage, boy. It's like a sausage." I told 'em.
"Why does my sausage squirt funny milk instead of wee-wee, Daddy?" Dale asked.
"Oh boy, this is gonna be tough," I tole 'em.
"Well, I'll get to that later, big boy. For now, I just tell you that you have a sausage and yer mama don't," I said.
"Really? Then what she got?" Kyle asked.
"She got a straight ole carpet where I put my sausage to rest and I tell ya, it make Daddy feel good," I confessed.
"Eww, Daddy that's gross!" Kyle screamed.
"Well, when you find a mama to marry, you'll like it. Trust me," I promised.
"You both know that your sausage grows," I said. "And when your sausage grows a lot and you rub it, then that's why that funny milk comes out, Dale. Just try not to do it.That funny milk has seeds that you can't see in it. Those seeds get planted in yer mama's carpet which then make babies. I hope you both make lots of boys that I can learn them to shoot deer just like you both like to do now."
"But Daddy, I like to rub my sausage. It feels gooood," Dale confessed.
"Well,it's against God and that's all!" I yelled with tears streaming.
"So, now boys, that sausage means that you're a man and you're in charge," I said. "So when you have your own mama, you make her stay at home, make you feel good, clean yer clothes and cook your meals. If you're lucky, yer mama will teach your boys at home. Well, that's it boys.That's our birds 'n bees talk."
You see, we don't need government teaching sex in schools. I did it years ago and my boys are still livin' with me. Kyle spends hours in his room with his buddy Fred making loud grunting noises. Dale spends a lot time in his room alone drilling holes and fills them with whipped cream. They turned out great.

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